My New Cat

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I’m half machine. I’m a monster. Across from where? What’s Spanish for „I know you speak English?” There’s only one man I’ve ever called a coward, and that’s Brian Doyle Murray. No, what I’m calling you is a television actor. I hear the jury’s still out on science. I don’t criticize you! And if you’re worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defense.Read Now

Holidays

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Stop talking, brain thinking. Hush. It’s a fez. I wear a fez now. Fezes are cool. I’m the Doctor, I’m worse than everyone’s aunt. *catches himself* And that is not how I’m introducing myself. No, I’ll fix it. I’m good at fixing rot. Call me the Rotmeister. No, I’m the Doctor. Don’t call me the Rotmeister. I am the last of my species, and IRead Now

My wedding

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It’s a T. It goes „tuh”. Bender, hurry! This fuel’s expensive! Also, we’re dying! For the last time, I don’t like lilacs! Your ‚first’ wife was the one who liked lilacs! Perhaps, but perhaps your civilization is merely the sewer of an even greater society above you! Who am I making this out to? We’re rescuing ya. Why did you bring us here? I daresayRead Now

It’s time to travel

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They’re not aliens, they’re Earth…liens! You know how I sometimes have really brilliant ideas? No… It’s a thing; it’s like a plan, but with more greatness. The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things.…hey.…the good things don’t always soften the bad things; but vice-versa the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.Read Now

Coffee Time

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I saw you with those two „ladies of the evening” at Elzars. Explain that. I’ll tell them you went down prying the wedding ring off his cold, dead finger. Kif, I have mated with a woman. Inform the men. With a warning label this big, you know they gotta be fun! Well I’da done better, but it’s plum hard pleading a case while awaiting trialRead Now

My Cat

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I’m afraid I just blue myself. That’s what it said on ‚Ask Jeeves.’ First place chick is hot, but has an attitude, doesn’t date magicians. It’s called ‚taking advantage.’ It’s what gets you ahead in life. Guy’s a pro. Whoa, this guy’s straight? Bad news. Andy Griffith turned us down. He didn’t like his trailer. I’m afraid I just blue myself. Now, when you doRead Now

Lunch menu

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As you may or may not know, Lindsay and I have hit a bit of a rough patch. No… but I’d like to be asked! No, I did not kill Kitty. However, I am going to oblige and answer the nice officer’s questions because I am an honest man with no secrets to hide. Not tricks, Michael, illusions. Really? Did nothing cancel? Get me aRead Now

Video Post

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Michael! That’s what it said on ‚Ask Jeeves.’ First place chick is hot, but has an attitude, doesn’t date magicians. No, I did not kill Kitty. However, I am going to oblige and answer the nice officer’s questions because I am an honest man with no secrets to hide. There’s only one man I’ve ever called a coward, and that’s Brian Doyle Murray. No, whatRead Now

Breakfast Playlist

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That’s what it said on ‚Ask Jeeves.’ It’s called ‚taking advantage.’ It’s what gets you ahead in life. Oh, you’re gonna be in a coma, all right. There’s so many poorly chosen words in that sentence. No, I did not kill Kitty. However, I am going to oblige and answer the nice officer’s questions because I am an honest man with no secrets to hide.Read Now

My lovely dog

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We just call it a sausage. It’s called ‚taking advantage.’ It’s what gets you ahead in life. Did you enjoy your meal, Mom? You drank it fast enough. What’s Spanish for „I know you speak English?” It’s a hug, Michael. I’m hugging you. Say goodbye to these, because it’s the last time! Bad news. Andy Griffith turned us down. He didn’t like his trailer. DidRead Now